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Ugh. (a "working through it" journal entry)

Updated: Jan 30, 2021

I've been suffering something for a while that I really want to figure out how to let go of. It's First World suffering, not Third World suffering. But it disturbs my heart just the same and has occupied way more of my mental time and space than I'd like.

One of the things that "triggers" me and leaves me with a strong, obsessive dis-ease is feeling that I've been misunderstood. Sometimes it's self if I didn't take the time to process how something might sound to someone else before I said it. But sometimes it's not. Sometimes it comes from another person's lens of perception. In this case, an assumption was made that formed the lens that a situation was filtered through which then led to a conclusion. However, that first assumption was wrong. It believed the worst, not the best of me, my character, my honesty and my motivations. ...and it ends up with a wrong conclusion and a two-sided story of hurt and feeling dismissed.

I had pondered what I should do. What would humility looked like for me in this situation? and how to employ the WWJD formula? I know that when we give up our "rights" (right to defend ourselves, right to speak our mind...) in order to give Love and make peace we will never come up with a deficit. Being humble with the motivation to better reflect the love of Christ will not leave us vulnerable, unprotected and humiliated. In this scenario I didn't feel like I was being called to be "right". I felt like I was being called to be "Love". (That doesn't mean that we are to be a whipping post or doormat. We need to use discernment always.)

So, I reached out to try build a bridge... twice. I've owned every possibility that I had any responsibility in the misunderstanding. I've laid no blame. I've resisted every reflex to defend myself and swallowed hard every impulse to point out the flaws in the narrative.

It wasn't natural.

It was hard.

I still believe that it was the right thing to do, but I don't see the results I had hoped for. The other party is holding a firm position of self-preservation and non-reconciliation... and no possibility of having any responsibility in the story.

So, that's where I am. Still misunderstood AND assumed the worst of... With an icky pit in my stomach that feels like Shame. ... and the truth that there is nothing more that I can do about it. I think I really tried to use Jesus's methods but am not quite to the point of being able to surrender the outcome. That is unnatural and hard too.

Surrender. I think that is where the relief will come. I'm reflecting now as I write this entry on a past post entitled #FLOW. I said something like when we have a problem, the relief and release will come when we Exhale, when we let go... when we surrender the outcome to Him. "I must couple my problem, situation, pain, anger, etc. with truth and trust... it is trusting whatever principle and promise that God has given in his word that pertains to what I am going through. When my issue joins hands with truth and trust I can release the tension and exhale." I need to do my part to the very best of my ability and trust Him to handle the rest for the outcome He wants. And then I can surrender, put it down... be at peace and not in angst.


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