Transformation, a true, through and through change of one's character and fiber is a frustrating and impossible task if it is from the standpoint of man changing himself... of me changing myself. I can change a habit or try to change a behavior or attitude, but a real, fundamental transformation only happens when there is an exchange of one state for another. Caterpillar / Butterfly type stuff. Saul / Paul type stuff. It really requires an exchange of governments within me. My own spirit/nature has to be diluted by a filling of his Holy Spirit/nature to the point that I am overcome and changed. Saul/Paul was the same man but what had changed was the spirit balance within that governed him.
In my Saul / Caterpillar state I am governed by:
Issues with insecurity, vanity, perfectionism and control, fear about the future, defensiveness, pride, coping mechanisms... eek... My Saul state keeps me busy trying to keep the wheels on... trying to hold up the four walls of my façade so I can hide my true self. Trying to manipulate all the necessary factors to keep it all together, or just to look like I have it all together. It doesn't feel anything like love or freedom, or good living. It is not "living my best life". It is ground level, base human stuff. Caterpillar-ville. And, along with all these fantastic traits is a shame and guilt that this is my make up at my core, and additionally a tremendous sense of defeat that I can't seem to rise above it and become "better".
What does my life look like if my spirit is diluted by His? What if I exchange my ways for His ways? ... and If my fears were annihilated by His perfect love...if my bitterness and resentfulness were washed away, if I could forgive AND forget the way He has? What if love was truly what governed all my thoughts, words and actions?
- I would know a peace so deep that there would be no soul noise / chaos. Only order.
- I wouldn't be so easily triggered, reactionary and defensive. I would have assurance.
- I wouldn't be worn out by trying and striving and working so hard.
- There would be no walls of shame held up to hide my eyes from His. I would see his gaze of love and it would bind up my pain and sorrow.
- I would sing His praise and worship would be my purpose.
- I would be able to really live life and stop trying to manage circumstances.
- I could be secure and comfortable being who I am...transparent and vulnerable and authentic to the core of who I am.
- I would fly.
Though our salvation was a "once and for all" situation, transformation seems to be a "more and more" type thing. We are 100% human and need fresh infusion of His spirit daily, and even more often than that! But little by little, if we are faithful in asking for more of His nature we come closer and closer to saturation by His Spirit. Transformation.
And, I guess, like Paul who had known himself in his dark Saul days, when that transformation occurs and the lights come on I couldn't help but do anything but tell of it.
